Struggling with being STRONG ENOUGH!
by Tara Walters on Thursday, September 22, 2011 at 3:06am
THERE I SAID IT...
- Am I strong enough? I know I am, because I have been. I know we all are, because we have been. But it's so...
HARD... and sometimes, sometimes you just want to throw the towel in and say, "I need to go back- I don't think I can do this, it's so hard!"
As I lay in the chair in the hospital room, Ryan had laid in bed with Brasen and B had finally fallen asleep- he's so worried about the darn shots and where he'll get the next one that he talks himself to death with it! Ryan went over to the computer and pretty soon I heard Matthew West's song STRONG ENOUGH come over the speakers. Talk about a smack in the face.... If I could explain exactly how I'm feeling right now, right now at this very moment that would be it. Sometimes as I'm writing I think- "Tara, don't write so much. People only want to know the basics of how Brasen is doing..." SOrry guys, if you read this and don't want all the other mushy stuff, TOO BAD! ;) (JK!!!) This is my therapy at the moment, this is how I can handle tomorrow, this is so I don't have to say a million times to people exactly how I'm feeling... I can spill it out on here, honestly and you can skip through and find the stuff you want to read, if you choose to read it at all. Remember, I'm a scrapbooker, I document EVERYTHING with the intent to use it later!!!! HAHA
As I said before, Matthew West's song says is all so perfectly:
You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Oh, yeah
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough
As I listened to this song- I heard through the end, I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!
And you know what? I CAN!!!! I REALLY CAN!!!!! I AM! I have to- my little guy depends on me to and I need him to! The only way I'm getting through (we're) is because our God is standing there in the middle, when times get WAY too hard, he picks up the pieces for us and puts the puzzle together so we don't stand around scratching our head wondering where or what to do next.
This morning's 2:30 a.m. blood draw was done by me again... both times I've pricked his finger he's said it hurts, which crushes me on the inside, but I remain strong and am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to find out why daddy's doesn't hurt and how he's doing it! Maybe he is just becoming daddy's boy?!?!? That's fine with me and I know daddy doesn't mind either! Either way- as we were talking about me trying harder to learn what I'm not doing right, I looked out the window and the most gorgeous moon was staring right back at me. I had Brasen look at it and I said, "Brasen, look at that beautiful moon- it's right in our window over the Indy downtown skyline and it's just hanging there in the most perfect spot for our window. God put that there just for you! He's telling you everything's going to be just fine!" I meant that with all my heart- and now ten minutes later I believe that with all my heart. I tucked Brasen into bed, began to lay down myself, and while praying I looked out the window and what was there in that very window- NOTHING! Darkness and the downtown Indy Skyline- no moon- nothing beautiful looking back at me, for Brasen God provides the moon, for mommy- he provides a still, quiet night- still beautiful, but gave me another glimmer and reminder that "I AM WITH YOU! I wILL NEVER LEAVE YOU! YOU ARE MY CHILD, AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!"
Am I strong enough? YOU BET I AM!!!! THank you God for another night where I, even in this hospital room, can stand before you and give you all the praise, honor, and glory for the days that lie ahead. WE WILL DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!
- Am I strong enough? I know I am, because I have been. I know we all are, because we have been. But it's so...
HARD... and sometimes, sometimes you just want to throw the towel in and say, "I need to go back- I don't think I can do this, it's so hard!"
As I lay in the chair in the hospital room, Ryan had laid in bed with Brasen and B had finally fallen asleep- he's so worried about the darn shots and where he'll get the next one that he talks himself to death with it! Ryan went over to the computer and pretty soon I heard Matthew West's song STRONG ENOUGH come over the speakers. Talk about a smack in the face.... If I could explain exactly how I'm feeling right now, right now at this very moment that would be it. Sometimes as I'm writing I think- "Tara, don't write so much. People only want to know the basics of how Brasen is doing..." SOrry guys, if you read this and don't want all the other mushy stuff, TOO BAD! ;) (JK!!!) This is my therapy at the moment, this is how I can handle tomorrow, this is so I don't have to say a million times to people exactly how I'm feeling... I can spill it out on here, honestly and you can skip through and find the stuff you want to read, if you choose to read it at all. Remember, I'm a scrapbooker, I document EVERYTHING with the intent to use it later!!!! HAHA
As I said before, Matthew West's song says is all so perfectly:
You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Oh, yeah
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough
As I listened to this song- I heard through the end, I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!
And you know what? I CAN!!!! I REALLY CAN!!!!! I AM! I have to- my little guy depends on me to and I need him to! The only way I'm getting through (we're) is because our God is standing there in the middle, when times get WAY too hard, he picks up the pieces for us and puts the puzzle together so we don't stand around scratching our head wondering where or what to do next.
This morning's 2:30 a.m. blood draw was done by me again... both times I've pricked his finger he's said it hurts, which crushes me on the inside, but I remain strong and am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to find out why daddy's doesn't hurt and how he's doing it! Maybe he is just becoming daddy's boy?!?!? That's fine with me and I know daddy doesn't mind either! Either way- as we were talking about me trying harder to learn what I'm not doing right, I looked out the window and the most gorgeous moon was staring right back at me. I had Brasen look at it and I said, "Brasen, look at that beautiful moon- it's right in our window over the Indy downtown skyline and it's just hanging there in the most perfect spot for our window. God put that there just for you! He's telling you everything's going to be just fine!" I meant that with all my heart- and now ten minutes later I believe that with all my heart. I tucked Brasen into bed, began to lay down myself, and while praying I looked out the window and what was there in that very window- NOTHING! Darkness and the downtown Indy Skyline- no moon- nothing beautiful looking back at me, for Brasen God provides the moon, for mommy- he provides a still, quiet night- still beautiful, but gave me another glimmer and reminder that "I AM WITH YOU! I wILL NEVER LEAVE YOU! YOU ARE MY CHILD, AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!"
Am I strong enough? YOU BET I AM!!!! THank you God for another night where I, even in this hospital room, can stand before you and give you all the praise, honor, and glory for the days that lie ahead. WE WILL DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!
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